I used to fear silence—now I rely on it
As a manager, I thought my job was to fill every awkward pause in group meetings.
Every lull in a conversation felt like a gravitational pull summoning me to rescue my team of mostly introverted developers from the clutches of awkwardness.
I was once leading a team of brilliant (but quiet) developers, and I dutifully worked hard to keep every meeting flowing—driving us toward alignment, action items, or at the very least, comfort.
Any moment a conversation stalled, I would jump in.
💬 I'd ask someone a question.
💡 Or offer my own thoughts.
😅 Or crack a joke to ease the tension.
But then I got feedback that stopped me in my tracks:
“You don’t leave enough silence on calls.”
Huh?
Doesn’t dead air = disengagement?
Isn’t silence the most awkward thing in the world—to be avoided at all costs?
Isn’t fast-paced banter much more desirable?
Who likes silence? ⁉️
Turns out, I was wrong.
And that one piece of feedback changed how I lead.
Silence Isn’t Awkward. It’s Powerful.
The team I was managing at the time was based in South America—my first experience managing outside of North America.
And what I learned is this:
In some cultures, silence is not something to avoid.
It’s something to respect.
It’s something to use.
Fun Fact: I even learned that some non-American cultures leverage silence as a negotiation tactic with Americans—a way to apply pressure. (Silence makes Americans so uncomfortable they’ll often fill it with more information than they intended to share—and weaken their position.)
But more importantly, for many people on my team, silence wasn’t awkward.
It was space.
A moment to reflect.
A sign that someone was thinking—not retreating.
So I worked with my coach to change my habits.
Two Tactics That Transformed My Meetings
We came up with these two strategies:
1. Count to five before speaking.
Whenever I asked a question—or felt the urge to rescue the conversation—I’d take a sip of water and count to five in my head before saying anything.
2. Use reflective prompts (and my water bottle!) to invite stillness.
Instead of moving quickly from idea to idea, I started using phrases like:
- “How does this sit with you?”
- “Let that sink in.”
- “Does this resonate?”
Then I’d pause again.
And sip my water. (Bonus: I'm much more hydrated now.)
What Happened Next
At first, it felt unbearable.
Like I was failing my team by not stepping in.
But I noticed that just as I would hit peak discomfort…
Someone would speak up.
Then another.
And then—without me driving it—real conversation began to unfold.
Discussions flowed. Insights emerged. The team found solutions together.
And it hit me:
Silence wasn’t killing momentum.
It was cultivating it.
Silence was like the fertile ground from which teamwork began sprouting.
It was truly eye-opening.
The Bigger Lesson
Since then, I’ve used silence more deliberately with every team I lead.
And it is a secret weapon in coaching conversations.
Not just in South America.
Not just with introverts.
And not just at work.
When held with intention, it creates space for confidence to grow, voices to rise, and solutions to emerge.
I used to fear silence.
Now I use it on purpose.
✳️ If you’re working on becoming a more thoughtful, effective leader or engineer, and want support navigating the hidden skills tutorials don’t teach you—like using silence strategically—I’d love to help you increase you impact and influence, and advance with confidence.
Hit reply and let’s explore what working together could look like.